The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Wow. I had no idea what sort of person he turned into. I am not anyone's slave or property. I will not degrade myself for anyone. For the first time in my life I waljed away from the situation. Not only did it anger me but it was the last straw that broke my heart for good. What an idiot. So yea I blocked him, all my friends blocked him and I cursed him. Sigh. What a clusterfuck of a mess. I was really hoping love would triumph this time, but clearly he wasn't the one I was searching for either.

I have never been more confused. So today I got two strange messages. One was from Mr. N and the other was from Mr. BR. Mr. N wants to play a game, like a child. I don’t need anymore children in my life. Mr. BR just got out of prison and wants to be what like my knight in shining armour? My guess is Mr. N was trying to hurt me and had that fucker message me. I thought I blocked Mr. BR but I was wrong. Promptly blocked. I really really hate him. He better stay the fuck away from me now that he is out of prison. Mr. N’s message is puzzling to say the least. Why message me now? Why a game? Why not just be honest with me for once in his life. I replied trying not to be rude and still got blocked. I mean whatever. my patience for pigs I mean men are running thin. Everyone is just lining up to hurt me, well this time I am fighting back. Fuck those fuckers. sigh. I think I am ready for bed. All this day need is a message from Ex now.

Who do I perceive you to be? Who is it you want to be to me? It’s probably for the best you run away. There is no way that you could handle me and my darkness. Should I perceive you as nothing, or just someone I once knew? Run along now like so many before you go and seek comfort in the light. I am not your comfort, your ying to my yang. I am no one, my shadows will only torment you. You may as well run very far away. You will never understand what I am. I understand fully what you are, but your closed mindness is your ignorant bliss. Yes, that’s right, I have called you ignorant. For so many years you denied who you are trying to change the very fabric of your existence because a pretty girl wanted someone different. You have now become everyone else fragmented imagination. How does it feel not to exist? Something I know very well. It’s lonely and filled with aching torment. The difference between you and me, is I am no longer hiding what I am. I will continue to embrace everything thay I am while you continue to mold yourself into some other image. Thats the problem nowadays, when the fallen ones want to experience “feelings” the orginal copy of who they were gets lost.













viens mihi amorem tuum. Dilectus meus in aeternum.

Fuck! Food is becoming a real problem. Sigh

So sob#2 caught me looking at college schedules tonight. He kindly reminded me that I am behind on bills and shouldn't waste my money. Men don't care about your brain just if you are fuckable. Then demanded if I had a boyfriend. I didn't realize going back to school made me a slut. I'm still in shock of the ignorant conversation. He is right i am behind on the bills so i may have to check out course books from the library until I can get on my feet. I hate close minded people.



I got some more bad news today. I feel like I am literally barely hanging on the crumbling ground under me. Sigh.

How is my night going? I get messages upon messages every night. My night is fanfuckingtastic I am still alive and I haven't cut off anyone's legs and set their houses on fire while they drag themselves out!

I have decided to go back to school. I dont really have a direction or field I want to go in but the extra learning will help my mind focus on everything but my problems. I thibk I am going to start out freelance then continue to an online college once I get rid of the financial parasite.

Another strange dream. I remember parts of it but the rest has me confused and feeling like I had bee on a rollar coaster for 8 hrs.

Ugh I got too much sun today

I had fun it was nice to leave the house and relax but now I am in that trance that makes me just want to sleep the day away. Which is what I have done now that I have returned home. I can't wait until fall and winter. I had a weird dream about a music group, a killer who stalked them to get to me and a break in next door. I'm even more exhausted now that I am awake. I have done my best to not overindulge in food which has helped with me not being so sick. Although its a small victory I feel like I am accomplishing more. I started doing some research with the help of ms J that might help me out in the long way. There is just so much of it it is going to take me a little while. Her and I have decided if things don't work out for her we would move in together and just focus on ourselves. I am ok with that. Right now my mind is twisted and my heart hurts too bad. I promised her that I won't give up and I will rediscover me

Ive been lost and alone for so long I am having to get back to the basics. In order to forget everything that is hurting I have picked up a new project. I have started the process of healing myself.

Then all that was left was darkness and regret.

Well that is that. He blocked me, I didn't even talk to him. Really? How would he even know I had been on his page? I certainly wasn't harming anyone. Wait, why am I even surprised? It's not like his behavior is new towards me. He was the one who walked away at first not me. Oh well his loss. If I was completely single I still wouldn't message him. He is just like everyone else in my life. Men are pigs who all line up for their chance to hurt me. He is no different. 18 years or not this will be my absolute last heart break from him. Or anyone else for that matter. Now people should be worried because now I really have given up.

Suck. This day sucked. I need a smile

I was hoping. Just hoping. I was thinking I actually mattered to someone. I was a fool. Sigh back to this damn journal. I can't believe I let myself get lured in that maybe he would talk to me again and that some how we could be together in a way. I wanted that racing of the heart feeling. I wanted for that love that couldn't be described. I thought his posts were trying to get my attention. That maybe his love for me kept him tongue tied and tormented in silence that he couldn't talk to me. I am such a fool. I guess its time to do what I did when I was heartbroken over Ex. Rip Mr. N you will never know how much I wanted you. Now I will just pretend he died like Mr. X and Ex. I will never know if Mr. X and Ex were the same guy but him and Mr N were the only two that made my heart race. Maybe it was just a warning to avoid them. That they would only break my heart. Mr. N probably doesn't even know this newest heart ache with me. I just have to put my heart in a box and throw it in the ocean. Sigh

Ms J seems to think I should just forget all about Mr. N. This month marks 18 years I have known him. I will admit thats a little hard to do. She is probably right, he doesn't love or care about me. Probably never did. I am just a reminder you shouldn't place bets on people. Sleep is calling my name hopefully tonight I dream of the inside of my heart. Pitch darkness.

Ok I will be the first one to admit that sometimes I am in fact dense. Especially when it comes to matters of the heart. For example, for a month or so I thought someone else’s posts were to me in some sort of a direct way. But I made a fool of myself, turns out nope not about me at all. Apparently I don’t do hints very well. Well la di da. I would like to point out for the record, I am not a mind reader. If you like me, then come right out and say it. That way in future references there is no confusion. I really hate that. Cryptic posts that give me the wrong impression. The only reason why some of mine are is the simple fact I am trying to avoid the idiot finding out anything. Keeping him in the dark is working well for me because I can honestly cut ties with him better. Besides that, that fucker doesn’t deserve to know anything about me. Especially lately.



I made the mistake of eating. I am so sick tonight at work. But at least it is at work and not at the house. When will I learn? Which brings me to my current problem. I am so hungry. so hungry.



I got some sleep last night, another strange dream of just snippets of images. Once again I didn’t remember when I woke up. All I can hope for at this moment is that they aren’t important.



So one of my pets confessed he has a really big crush on me. It felt nice but he lives in Florida. Right now Florida is not in the cards for me. I am flattered beyond belief, but at the same time it would be a disaster. I have been thinking whether or not I should move back to my home state or stay in my current one. I think I have decided to stay in my current one. As much as I miss my home state, I feel at this time I need to stay here. Not with the idiot of course. Both my mind and heart agree he is not the one for me.



Ijust have to remain calm and not give into panic mode. I have to remember I am stronger than I think I am. I can’t fall into destructive pieces. Even typing that makes me feel even more hollow and alone. It’s hard to believe in something when the world is crashing down.

Sob#2 thinks my lovey posts on fb is for him. Couldn't be further from the truth.

Ever miss someone so much you physically ache? Ever want someone so much completely inside and out that your very sanity is in jeopardy? Thats pretty much where I am at right now. Is it too late for me? If I ever did find love would I be able to keep it? I told SOB#2 that we were through. He just simply reminded me I am nothing to no one and that no one would want me. I have reached the point where I admit defeat. I give up. Im shuttingndown and shutting everyone out. He is right I am damaged, there is no one in the world that can or will love me. So why am I even fightong? I'm alone. I accept that.

Feb. Im kicking him out. Im done. Why feb? Because i have get things ready for when I'm100% single.

I don'tknow why here lately I have been thinking nonstop about Mr. N. I haven't thought about him like this since our first kiss. Maybe its the changing of the season thats messing with me. He has all these posts on fb that are him showing his heart and I would love to think they are directed ti me. But thats just me being vain. They are probably about his trashy ex who never loved him. I mean he is pretty clueless. I still am going on his page and pretending he has the same feelings I do. Its a fantay I am going to have to walk away from. Its only going to lead me down the path I have been on that ends with a broken heart and cast aside when someone better comes along. I think i am going to sleep my day away. At least I know I can manage my dreams better than the stress and heart ache of real life. Ms. J must be right. I must be projecting because I am lonely. Maybe my mind is using the image of Mr. N to comfort me so I don't give up completely. The last time I did that resulted in me being in the hospital for a week because I tried to take my own life.

so tired. I didn't sleep good at all when I finally went to sleep. My dream consisted of just images, but nothing that really makes any sense. Today is going to be a bad day. Sob#2 woke up angry at me for his monetary issues he is sponging off of me. Today is a day where I need a friend. sigh I'm already wishing the day away. I hate that.

I need a boyfriend until I can get my freedom from sob#2. I am so hungry for sex blood and conversations. I want to fuck while everyone sleeps. Sigh its going to be a long night

Quayliota morla amee. amenk sormen vurect. vampir vormour aiteeme.

Iam tired of making the first move, you want my attention? You make the first move. For years, I was always the first one to talk to Mr. N. we wouldn't talk for months and then I wouldn't be able to take the fact that I missed him and would break down and talk to him first. The story of my life, I have always went after what I wanted, maybe it's time I let the universe take charge. Besides nothing is sexier than a man in charge. I hate spineless and shy men. I need someone strong enough to take charge and handle my darkness and crazy. Someone who won't run when things get tough, and is always there if I need someone to talk to. Too bad that man doesn't exist. Mr.N couldn't even handle the fact I am a vampire. Ex couldn't handle my crazy long enough to stick around when things got rough. Mr. X appearantly is just a figment of my imagination, becauses I can't find him. At least I have you my dear journal. Too bad writing to you didn't turn you into the man I want and need.



I got physically hurt at work yesterday. The paun isn't pleasurable as my normal every day pain. So there is that. SOB # 2 doesn't care, as always all he wants is sex. I want sex, just not with him. Everything about him is revolting. Unless I step out and cheat I will just have to suck it up and do it.



I am so happy FB messenger allows video chat, now when I get lonely, I can flirt with the few pets I have acquired. At this point in time, it's all I got. The bad thing about them, is they all live in another state.



Story of my life, oh well. I am going to try and go rest. Hopefully Mr. N won't appear in my dreams. It's driving me crazy. If it's him doing it, why doesn't he talk to me? But if it's me doing it, I gotta figure out a way to stop that shit. I spent the day hungry, and for the first time in a week I ate actual food. It's not helping I am still hungry.

From what I remember what a fucked up dream about Mr. N. Why all of a sudden so many dreams about him? Is he doing this or am I? Fuck I am hungry dreams like that are dangerous because all of a sudden all these urges and desires surface.

Wow I actually had a great two days. That never happens. My family forgave me enough to visit. Sob #2 was actually a great person while they were here. I guess appearances are everything.



I woke up with a massive headache today. I had an intense dream that I don't remember. All I know is I woke up drenched

In sweat in a cold house. At least i slept .



Anyway I am off to work where my next day off isn't for two weeks. So yay me.

I hate silence. I hate mind games. If you want my attention, come right out and talk to me about it. I will talk to you. I won’t stoop to playing games. I did that for many years trying to get the attention of Mr. N. I refuse to do it anymore. As I age slowly, I am getting more fed up with the childness of people. Things at home, are not going great, but then again you knew that. In this journal that is all I do is bitch about my home life. In a way I am fed up with that too. I just don’t care anymore. I started smoking again although secretly. Fuck it. I dyed my hair wild, I am reverting back to who I was. I remember when I was in highschool and Mr. N started to come back around after we broke up I pierced my eyebrow and dyed my hair a dark purple red. I will never forget his face when he saw me. Little did he know at that time, that was when my destructive side was starting to come out. Since then I keep finding myself reverting back. I guess that is what happens to me when I lose my way. I broke 9 years sober the other night and snuck in some alchol. I know it didn’t solve my problems, but I just don’t give a damn anymore. I stopped taking my painkillers for the physical pain I will be in for the rest of my life. The pain is making me feel alive. Dangerous and alive. I woke up today with my the white of my eyes red. It’s been a while since that has happened. I’ve lost some more weight. After 4 years of not losing a single pound, I am losing it rapidly now. I’ve now lost 30 lbs in the last month. I am barely eating, which is fine with me. I am tired of indulging and making myself sick. I am sick of hospitals. My heart started to race last night like it used to do. It felt good to have a strong pulse again. In my spare moments I have been writing more in my group. That seems to be calming me, but scaring some of the members. Oh well, to know me is to embrace all sides of me including my homicidal side.

Another sucky day. The sun was a big issue for me. I feel like my eyes got burned right out of my skull. Still no appetite but to get everyone to shut up i ate a little bit anyway. Mr. A seems to think I deserve better than sob#2. And that i work too much. Probably right on bith accounts. But its just me against this cold world. Wishing for things tgat will never happen is a luxury I can't afford

Today sucked. Plain and simple. The rising sun put me in a trance I couldn’t break out of. I lied to everyone saying I was just tired. But it was because the sun was shining in my damn eyes all morning. I can’t wear sunglasses at work, I can’t even get away from the damn sun. Usually I work nights so the sun is not a n issue. The bastards put me on day shift so now I am having all sorts of issues. I told Ms J about some of the things I am going through.I don’t know if she believes me or not but it’s just so nice for someone to talk to about it. Someone who isn’t running for the hills. As much as I want to deny what I am, I am afraid I won’t be able to much longer. My body is rejecting everything “human” about me. Pretty soon all my lies will surface, and I am dreading that day. I have lost 24 lbs in the last few weeks just because I am not really feeding myself what I need. I keep making myself sick at this point I am beginning to wonder if it is on some level intentional. destruction as always been part of my darker side.



I had another dream about Mr. N. but this time I didn’t poke him on fb. He doesn’t care so why should I let him know? I gotta figure something out. He keeps walking into my dreams and I am afraid I am going to end up hurting him. I just don’t know really how to explain that to him. He sees the world as black and white. Never did he believe in anything else other. It’s actually surprising how tightly he closed his mind, considering what he is. The only difference is he can get away with blending in, I can’t. His ignorance is still acceptable, mine isn’t.



My new boss, has a crush on me. I think I might have one on him, but only because I already know everything about him. I don’t know how, maybe from a dream? But I knew his hobbies, where he was from and even his wife’s name before I found him on Fb. I didn’t try to add him or anything, I try not to mix business with pleasure. The feeling of deja vu is just so strong, I will admit, it’s a bit overwhelming. The other day when I was sick at work, he sat down beside me on the bench. he was so close I could feel his heartbeat. Granted it wasn’t by touch. He was genuinely concerned. He didn’t have to sit next to me, or even show me he cared. He could have acted like all the other shit for brains managers and just could care less. There is just something about him, it will probably just lead to trouble. Trouble always has a way of finding me.



SOB#2 thinks all of the bad luck we keep running into is, my fault. He truly believes I am the cursed one. Maybe I am. It doesn’t really matter who is bringing it down upon him and me. In the end it all ends the same. He is trying to break into my world, but it’s just too little too late. He didn’t care to know the first thing about me before, now it’s just too late. When things gets rough, he isn’t there beside me fighting through it. Instead, he is just burying me alive. If he really did know anything about me, he would realize that selfishness will have no hold on me. Everything I do, is for someone else. I rarely think of myself. And that is all he does, is constantly think of himself. He hasn’t asked about how well I am healing from the surgery, he doesn’t even care to go with me to the dr appts, or physical therapy. Everything I am going through, I am having to do alone. Which is why I am constantly wondering why he even stays.



A friend asked me why I don’t post any pictures of other than myself on fb. It took me years just to post a picture of me. I just can’t trust anyone in this life enough to put her at potentional risk. I don’t know if there are anymore risks in my life. As far as I know, everyone died. Still I can’t bring myself to do it. I am so proud of being her guardian, but at the same time she is my only weakness. I am afraid of exposing my weakness in front of a cruel world. Sure things may be different now, but I can’t get over it. I am on constant alert. The other day I had a panic attack because I thought I saw SOB#1 walk into the store I am working at. He lives on the other side of the state but it still isn’t far enough away from me. I have such a deep hatred for him I am afraid of what I would do if I did see him again. He has a lot to pay for, all the cuts, bruises, rapes are just a few of the things he needs to eventually pay for. The one big thing, the worst thing he ever did, I still can’t talk about. Not even to this journal. I was so happy when the nightmares stopped making me relive it. So happy. On that thought, I guess I could never hate sob#2 as much as I hate sob#1. however my discontent for him is still on the rise.



I can’t wait for fall. I can’t wait til halloween. I can’t wait for the sun to go away for a few months. Until then I have to go figure out a way to make it through the rest of my shifts coming up.

Another dream if Mr. N watching me. Enough with the dreams already theres no way he is the one for me. We aren't even friends and I am tired of trying to convince him my worth. I woke up a little crabby today. I'm tired and sore. I went to the hospital again being sick again. I just want to curl up go back to sleep and sleep away the day. So tired of it all. Sigh.

Damn it. Everything is going to hell. Things have gone from bad to worse. Sigh. This isn't good. The setback is going to kill me.

ah September. Fall shall be here soon.